I asked, “Can I go?”
I said, “I am going there.”
By asking, we are giving our attention to someone else. This act of ‘subliming our egos ‘involves setting aside our desires or needs and letting the ball roll in the other court. The answer can be a NO or YES; his opinion is significant. This process of ‘subliming our egos’ is a psychological dynamic that plays a crucial role in the act of asking.
By Telling, we take the upper hand and make the person a mere listener. His opinion becomes secondary, and he becomes passive.
Asking invites a response while conveying information or instructions without necessarily expecting feedback.
Imagine the difference.
One student ASKS the teacher, “Madam, can I go to the washroom?”
The other student TELLS the teacher, “Madam, I will go to the washroom.”
There is a variance between PERMISSION and INFORMATION.
When we ask, we seek permission; when we tell, we provide information. This difference in approach can significantly impact the dynamics of our communication and relationships.
Can you remember when you stopped asking for small things from your ageing parents and started telling them?
Even telling was often skipped, and the parents learned from different sources. However, the parent’s caring attitude did not change. They realised the child had grown so much that they wouldn’t bother asking anymore.
Ironically, applying this logic, the child is now an adult bound to make decisions independently. Caring parents will not jeopardise their child’s plans by saying NO. But still, at heart, they expect to be asked rather than told.
Remember, in the process of asking, you need to trust, surrender, and ask for guidance. Go within for answers; they are within you. You have the answers; all you need to do is ask. This trust and guidance can provide security and reassurance in the asking process.
Why are we so scared of asking?
We need more confidence to ask. But remember, confidence is key. It’s what makes us feel self-assured and capable. Don’t let the fear of denial keep you from asking for what you want.
What if the father says no? Why would he say no if the demand for a certain version of events or a particular outcome is positive and self-assuring?
I don’t remember ever asking for anything from my late parents. Most of the time, I talked to the mother, who conveyed the message to the father. With time, a strong wall of miscommunication developed between me and my father. I regret and still repent for that loss.
As a father of two grown-up children, I envisage similar feelings. I want to be asked rather than told.
The golden rule is that we will get more if we ask for more and negotiate more confidently. There is no weakness in asking. We won’t get it if we wait for someone to give us what we want. Take the risk of asking for everything you need and want. It’s a powerful tool that puts you in the driver’s seat of your own life.
Parents generally desire a balance between being asked and told by their children, depending on the context and relationship dynamics—
To be asked—
*Parents often appreciate when children ask for guidance or advice, showing respect for their experience and wisdom.
*Parents feel needed and involved when asked for help or clarification.
*Parents appreciate when asked about family decisions or personal choices.
To be told –
*Parents must be told about their children’s well-being, significant life events, and achievements.
*Parents love sharing the successes or challenges of their children without being fostered.
*Parents appreciate being told about the children’s plans or changes or any mishaps so that they can be aware and supportive.
There is a flip side to this.
A friend would always say NO {by making one or the other excuse} whenever I asked him, “Hey, can I come to see you?” I realised that I was giving him a choice.
I changed my stance. Instead of asking, I said — “Hey, I will see you in the evening.” My formula worked, and my friend couldn’t deny it.
The catch is if you want to have a drink with me, don’t ask; tell me you are coming.
………………………….
Doctor you have caught a sensitive and a current issue. True, Asking is giving attention to someone else or taking their opinion. Whereas telling is zero consultation. Parents are caring always and counsellors too. Asking parents will surely give a more positive experience. Emotional and social provocations may become problems, but are always handled better when shared with parents. Their wisdom and experience has a positive impact. But it is like this—
The wind is blowing, those vessels whose sails are unfurled catch it and go forward on their way but those which have their sails furled do not catch the wind. Is that the fault of the wind?
Harsh you have put the point so strongly and intelligently. I like the example of the sailboat. I lived my major years with parents and I understood the value and need of asking. I expect the same from this generation…. but, things are not the same. There is more telling than asking. I don’t know who is missing…. the parents or the children.
thanks for the brilliant input.
regards
Thank you doctor for your appreciation
Anuj a very sensitive issue. But it varies from situation to situation. Children should ask their parents as they have many years of experience behind them but in some situations the parents may not be in a position to advise as they may not be able to grasp the whole situation. Times have changed, so have values. Independence is the new norm.
you are right Porus. Times have really changed dear. But I still remember always asking my parents….. but that is a past. we are dealing with a different scenario now.
thanks for your views bro.
There is a big difference rather an attitudnal wise behaviour between asking and telling, particularly when issues are related to parents.. Asking is more assertive I suppose whereas telling, obviously, is a polite proposition..You have rightly explained that in our childhood, it used to be difficult or at times embarrassing to ask some favour from Papa..The route which used to be followed was through mother or Mummy..At times we used to tell to our mother
only and think that Papa will not say anything if something goes wrong.We were hopeful that Mom will come to our rescue.. Nicely scripted the inherent difference between asking and telling Anuj..
I appreciate your views and acknowledge your appreciation. Thanks, Bhai. keep reading and posting your valuable feedback. regards.