Culture,Life & Love,Relationships

DEALING WITH A LOVELESS MARRIAGE – Deal with it and heal it.

 

The day you get married, put in an empty box, and each time you say — ‘I Love You’ to your spouse, put one marble in the box. Keep doing this for a year.

After one year of marriage – reverse the process, and every time you say ‘I love you, take out one marble from that box. Trust me –It may take your entire marital life to empty the box.

Don’t you believe me? – No issues. The truth is harsh, my friend!

I have no intention of explaining or glorifying the Oxford gist or Khalil Gibran’s version of the most misunderstood word – LOVE.

Here I am talking of LOVE, not as the hunky-dory teenage romantic fiesta, but as the philosophical and emotional feeling that one envisages accomplishing in a marriage – a marriage of love.

The irony is that in relationships where we force commitments to accomplish something, promises to fulfil, expectations to meet, and an endeavour to survive –It is not LOVE – this is an arrangement. Love is beyond these boundaries and borders. This is the beginning of the end — A LOVELESS MARRIAGE.

The marriage vows are actually a sermon hammered forcefully in the naïve minds as a compulsion, not a choice. Sorry, but in most marriages, everyone witnessing the ‘vows’ ceremony is either sarcastic or makes a mockery. The holiness and sensitivity are lost much before the nuptial devotedness or intimacy.

Matrimony is an allegory that the ritual will deliver a lifelong camaraderie, intimacy and bonding. The truth is that marriage is like a heap of sand – to make it look wet, keep pouring water all the time. The longer you dissuade moistening the ground, the quicker dryness and drought befall, fashioning a desert of weariness and desolation.

Most marriages suffer the retribution of ‘taking for granted. The spouses deliberate a birthright over the partner and dramatize a power game of their eccentricities and frivolities in daily dealings. Marriage commitments and family obligations leash the spouse’s feelings — hence nurturing mechanical and insensitive actions that start with a routine morning rush and culminate in one-sided late-night bedroom rituals. The convolutedness of vows, appraisal and innocent adulation is coffined in the process. Later on, an exhumation exudes stench and horridness – nothing else.

“It is not the lack of love, but rather a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”. . . It’s dealing with such a loveless marriage.

The loveless desert that beholds these marriages’ grief reveals desertion, indifference, brutality, betrayal and infidelity.

Deal with the loveless marriage, and heal it.

People think and prophesize that, in a marriage – love should be there,  whether it’s a result of an extended premarital affair or a live-in relationship or the fascinating ritual of an arranged marriage. The fact is – Love is not there in marriage – Love is in the people, and they need to nurture that marriage with love. Love has to come from within, from both ends – it should flow freely like a natural breeze. Love is not a chase for attention or relentless affection. If there is a lack of freedom, then marriage is not worth living through – it needs serious help. There might be several cons to the couple’s emotional and sensual discrepancy and disharmony — Still, they must categorically agree on one thing – NEVER TO GIVE UP – Deal with the loveless marriage, and heal it.

Our parental pearls of wisdom imply that—companionship with a married partner is precious and cherished until death parts them. But do modern times and the present generation endorse it? Well, that’s debatable now.

Fixing a broken marriage may not be the responsibility of one person – but one is undoubtedly responsible for making efforts to survive the desolate winter better.

“Many people think that staying in a loveless marriage is like living a lie. To respect the commitments and act in love even if you don’t feel it –is to walk in the truth.”

The biggest jolt of suffering and shock befalls the children who witness a loveless marriage.

The daily arguments, abusive language and physical extremes pollute their naive minds, and their emotions get rubbed on the wrong side. Their tender feelings misinterpret the school of marriage and are charred emotionally to question the sanctity of togetherness when they grow into adults. As parents, marriage matters more, not less, because now other people are counting on them – their own offspring. A child needs to see a couple that loves each other.

Maintaining love and affection with the same vigour and agility is the most arduous task of all. They say that after seven years, revitalization is required, and a fresh appraisal must be made, mutually or individually. The foundation of a sturdy marriage is loving your spouse even in those instants when they aren’t as lovable as they used to be – Believe in them and reassure them when they are enduring the scuffle of believing in themselves.

A marriage is in the doldrums if . . .

*The mutual communication and dialogue are taken over by dreadful silence – ‘The silence of the lambs’.

*One finds excuses to avoid spending quality time together – ‘You know I had a busy day. . . can we sleep early?’

*Bed rituals take a nosedive, and mundane clarifications are given to sleep on the bed’s other side with a separate quilt – Gosh, I have PMS problems . . . I have terrible backache . . . etc.

*Talking to each other is like a struggle. Are we talking about the Quit India Movement – the struggle for freedom.

*The lifesaver intuition is conveniently ignored, and the ego is replenished – ‘Why me?’

* No energy is wasted from either side to uplift the sagging relationship or repair the damage – energy is consumed in the lunches and card kitty parties or evening stag booze fiestas.

*One waits for the spouse to leave the house and fantasizes about the glories of freedom – Hey, I am free . . . How about some fancy drinks and dinner?

 

Serious amendments are needed, and gruelling toil is predicted if these things happen in one’s marriage…. The irony is that most marriages go through this menace after specific years…. A mid-life crisis?… is it so? — Is that your call?

Instead of a throbbing silence – how about shouting out your grief and frustration? You won’t believe it – many good episodes of one’s life are sported by shouting — “You’ve never heard of an unhappy marriage unless the neighbours have heard it first.”

So don’t be stunned or discouraged by your loveless marriage. Most married couples in the world are suffering this threat—maybe they don’t confess or are first-order hypocrites – they suffer from the PDA (Public Display of Affection) itch and make other people run for their money by displaying exuberant love as couples. Most have a different story to narrate if you implant CCTV in their bedrooms.

A loveless marriage needs to be dealt with by healing it – not running away from it.

“We love because we can lose. If there were no threat of separation, no death to shake us to our core, we probably wouldn’t love so much at all.”  DONNA LYNN HOPE.

 

 

………………………………………

 

 

 

You may also like...

4 Comments

  1. Beautiful explanation of true feelings

    1. Dr. Anuj says:

      Thank you so much …regards

  2. Dr Ashok Kumar Ojha says:

    Nice blog on Dealing with a loveless marriage…Deal with it and heal it..Love is a divine pleasure gifted by God..Love is eternal.. There is no scope for demand or compromise..A partner has to understand the feelings of the other before he or she utters to explain.. If situation so arises that it’s wanting, both of them should realise that there is no love and their relationship has become loveless..Then onward starts a slew of compromises and adjustment.They also culminate in to a fiasco If efforts towards restoration fails.Henceforth, mistrust develops that leads to flow of abusive languages and and sometimes resort to domestic violence..It is seen that in a true love, one has to remain not only faithful and loyal
    but also caring and respectful. These traits do not pop up instantaneously.They need time to get nurtured and cared..There is always an ample scope of rebuilding relationship albiet it is never so easy..As rightly said, the worst part of the loveless relationship is that of children. They are the most affected persons…So before the heaven falls, one should make all out efforts to restrengthen rekindle the shaky and broken relationship as early as possible. Very articulated blog Anuj bhai..

    1. Dr. Anuj says:

      Dear Ashok Bhai… I just adore your expression and style of writing. You enhance my thought system with your wonderful feelings and logic. Every word is a marvel. you talk of wisdom.
      thank you so much for expressing yourself on my blogs so regularly. regards.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.